Butterfly In The Wind

Nobody wants to argue in front of their kids.

Those couples that don’t have a problem with intense disagreements, violence in the home or financial and personal issues, don’t think it should ever happen and go further to say, if you allow it to happen you are endangering your child’s mental health.

Those couples are right. However, like I said, nobody wants to argue in front of their kids. Nobody wants to make any mistakes at all. But they happen and they happen often. Will you argue in front of your kids at some point no matter what the situation? 99% of the population, yes you in fact will. It then becomes a question of when does it start to affect your child.

I can tell you from everything I’ve researched and read, that this “danger zone” will happen before you notice a difference in your child. It will be slow and gradual. And once it hits that point, it will be extremely difficult to repair.

For all those eternal newlyweds that don’t have any consistent bickering, you will say to those who do, “just stop it” “break up” or even, “why do you need to argue?” Not so easy my friends. The only thing you can really do is watch your child’s¬†face and when they look at you with fear or anger, you turn around, put on your parent hat and say, “I don’t matter right now.” Let¬†your spouse¬†win the fight, lie, give in, walk away. Allow yourself to take the brunt of everything¬†to save your child any pain. From small fights over the meaningless to violent knock down¬†wars, your child is innocent until the day they¬†aren’t and our job as parents is to preserve that innocence¬†for as long as humanly possible. To¬†teach them kindness and cooperation.

Far too many people in the world today struggle because their parents didn’t put them first when they were children. And they saw and heard things they shouldn’t have.

‚ÄúChildren are gifts. They are not ours for the breaking. They are ours for the making.‚ÄĚ
‚Äē¬†¬†¬†¬† Dan Pearce,¬†¬†Single Dad Laughing

Fairy wings and race car dreams for the children. Not a nightmare real or imaginary should they know.


The More I Know, The Less I Understand

If the truth of the matter is the only one you can trust are your children, does that create an unfair expectation? Is that too much pressure on them?

It does if you use your children to heal yourself. If you use them to fill your voids. If you use them to provide love you are missing.

Children are not made to take care of you. Remember it is the other way around. You child can never feel your desperation or your need because children are naturally prone to provide comfort and caring, it’s in their innocence.

Part of the sacrifice you make for your children is you must always pretend to be strong, whole and sane. Even when you’re not.

Excuse My Growl

Does being a mother and wife in today’s society turn you into a beast?

I was wondering this today. By beast of course I am referring to the archetypal sitcom wife with kids. The no-nonsense matriarch that instills fear in her brood with a simple stare. The woman that disallows fun of any kind and has certainly achieved every nag achievement award possible. She denies her husband sex and affection and basically considers him sub human and too moronic to do anything except help with the man chores of the house. Her children fear crossing her and avoid talking to her unless absolutely necessary.

You know, a beast.

I at once rise up and say, “Nuh uh not me! I’m not like that at all!” But I’m also a new mom and wife. So what if it happens gradually and one day you look in the mirror and you see fangs and a furry face?

It’s the little things that you never used to do. You tell your partner much more often how idiotic he’s being. You are a little too good at your scary voice when putting the kids into¬†time out. Sex is more stressful than it used to be. You talk about bills, learning and the “future” way too much. And sometimes, well, you just sound like a bitch.

How to combat this I wonder? I don’t have an answer, I’m seriously wondering.

All I know is that I want my family to respect and love me. Cherish me. And when speaking about me, using words like, “awesome”, “fun”, and “the best mom ever”. So I find myself having to be especially conscious of how I act and what I say. If some crazy nagging comes flying out of my mouth I have to counteract with a, “let’s eat cookies and run around the house!”

But it’s easy to go too far the other way as well. I’m not 20 anymore and I do have two kids and a relationship. I feel like to some extent, they need me to step up and not just be a mom but be THE mom. I can’t go out drinking to excess, sleep in all day or just have chips for dinner. There are two little lives being shaped by what I do and if that responsibility turns me into a beast…. well, at least I’ll try and be a good-looking one.

Not Tosh 2.0, Not Donna Reed

So when I sit here and think, “ok, what do I know about being¬†a parent that anyone could possibly care about?” I have a dilemma. Do I know a lot of tricks? Yeah. Some child psychology, well yeah. Will I post some of that? Sure, sometimes. But this is the age of instant information and Google is king. Who are you going to ask about teething or potty training? Me or a acclaimed baby website who’s sponsored by every diaper company in existence? You wanna know something about child rearing? Ask me and if I know, I’ll tell you. But there is something I have that Google can’t really help you find. The duality of being extremely blunt and also being a mom. I will tell you all the crap I get angry at that no one tells you before you go through it. There really shouldn’t be anything anymore that is taboo. But there is a difference between being honest and being deliberately offensive.

So my husband made me watch Tosh 2.0 tonight and really not my fave show but I had just made him watch The Project : Guatemala (which is actually¬†a great positive reality show) so I owed him.¬†And some parts were funny but then at the closing of the show he had a little monologue making fun of the videos of soldiers coming home and reuniting with their families. Then continues to show a clip of these videos put to a soundtrack of horror music and screaming. So….. sorry I’m open to all¬†types of humor but watching a little boy seeing his dad return from war and crying to the music¬†from Dracula or something is¬†just plain gross. Way to take a tender moment and shit all over it. Now that, is offensive.¬†At least to me… you never know who you might offend I guess.

So my point is, when I tell you about my thoughts during post partum depression, or¬†embarrassing short cuts of motherhood I’ve used, or tell you mistakes I’ve made along the way, forgive me. I’m not Sally freaking Sunshine all the time and mothers need to not feel like they have to be. Having kids and raising them is hard and brutal work and just like after a day of digging ditches, sometimes you want to crawl into the same ditch with a bottle of booze and sleep for ten years. If one person had told me how it felt relating to your first child after they were born, I mean told me HONESTLY, I would have saved myself a lot of heartache. But all I heard was the whole, “babies are miracles, you will love them all the time” garbage. Not true stop your propaganda. Oh yes they are miracles. And god knows you will love them. But sometimes you will be angry at them, resent them, blame them or ignore them. And that is not wrong and you are not the only one.

Here’s one for the road. My two year old was a monstrosity today, I mean not at all his normal cheery self and just full of whiny misery. So by his bedtime my nerves were shot and I was beyond exhausted. A perfect mother would have done our normal bedtime routine, teeth, potty, face and hands, story, song, tuck in…. etc. Instead, I let him take pizza into the big bed, watch Care Bears and said screw the rest of it, tomorrow is a nice time for that stuff. And then I got to sit down.

Am I recommending this? No…. but I sure as hell am not condemning it. I told him I loved him and made sure he had his doggy. That’s all he really needs to be happy. And I got a few moments of Adult time. You need to just skip things sometimes….. recharge and relax. Because children my friends, can run you ragged and then what kind of parenting can you give them the next day?

Take a moment, be imperfect.

P.S. Google Donna Reed if you don’t get the reference. I realize I am one of the few that watches that stuff anymore.